Expos?: The Merkin
Because Dr. Strangelove and President Merkin Muffley are the same guy.

You may be wondering: What is a merkin?

First used in the 17th Century, a merkin is a pubic hair wig. Yes, this is for real. I mean fake. It's a wig, a fake patch of pubes.

Once I heard about this, I thought: 'Wow! I think wearing a merkin would be strange kinky fun! I'll make my husband wear it for a beard! Where can I buy one?' In my search for the obscure merkin I discovered quite a bit about the little bit of fuzz. This new information seriously tilted my perceptions of the world, and I'm now compelled to share the axis.

You may be wondering (as I had): What on earth would a 17th Century woman want with a merkin?

Syphilis was treated in rather mysterious ways back then that were no doubt even more elusive to the doctors implementing their practice. Pubic hair was shaved off as part of the treatment, but then doses of mercury made the hair fall out anyway. Consequently, a new accessory was needed for the well-dressed patient: something to match her armpits. Prostitution was another niche market, another demographic for the merkin. It was the best way to camouflage any sores a working girl might earn in that profession.

Thus the merkin: a nether-toupee for the type of woman no sane man interested in self-preservation, propriety or real orgasms would want. This is a small nugget imbedded in the caves of human history. One can only dig on it.

Merkins are still in use, so many centuries later, though for very different reasons. Strip clubs where the codes do not allow full nudity will provide merkins for their dancers so that it will appear as though more is being exposed. It's illusion. Of course, a transvestite stripper can use a merkin to cover his gherkin. Again: it's make-believe.

Then there's that strangely inspiring and arousing movie, Kama Sutra directed by Mira Nair. (Are you reading this? Her name is Nair. Is this irony or coincidence?) No bush is as lusciously and enviously thick as those worn by the otherwise naked women displayed in that film; it's Wardrobe Department magic. It suspends disbelief, makes us believe in something that is not true because it seems like an authentic fluffy part of us.

We've all seen it on T-shirts, bumperstickers and protest signs: 'The only Bush I trust is my own.' It's simple and brilliant. But this poses a problem for those of us who shave or wax those tender pubes. What is a politically conscientious gal to do? I suggest here a new use for the merkin. Wear it like a porn star, strut around the house with nothing but a muff for your muff.

"The only merkin I trust is my own!" Tell your neighbors. Inform your employer; let him/her know how much you care. Wear it with pride. It's a badge much more intimate than any curled-up bit of ribbon pinned to your collar, and every step you take will be a small reminder of your political persuasion. (Also makes for great shoulder pads! Google eyes to make them appear like little monster-pets not included. I checked everywhere. Fortunately I'm crafty with a gluestick.)

In the UK, Americans are lovingly referred to as merkins, due to our tendency to slur. Think about it: "My fellow merkins..."

In 1964, Stanley Kubrick filmed Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb. Peter Sellers plays the parts of Dr. Strangelove and President Merkin Muffley. Now you know. Now you see the truth of it. President Merkin Muffley. Dr. Strangelove. They are the same person. Kubrick knew!

Tell everyone: Bush is a merkin.

Should you get the itch (and you may, if you shaved a few days ago) fill the raspberry email form below, and cast your vote as to whether you think the VoracityBeat T-shirt Design Department should develop a 'Bush is a Merkin' Fashion Line. This is grassroots marketing fused with political mission fused with completely obnoxious behavior. If I receive 100 emails (each from unique addresses), this historically inspired, rebellion driven, happy little political-innuendo-one-liner will become a T-shirt reality. No fakin'. No merkin.

If you'd like to purchase a merkin, or just take a peek and see what it looks like, visit Wilshire Wigs. (They carry a merkin for $20. One size fits all. Available in black only.) Tell them you're on a mission to fulfill your destiny as a duty-bound 17th Century retro-slut with a streak of mean independence and the urge to be heard. You'll forever have a sexy gleam in your eye, the kind that signifies an uncommon and desirable humor. Besides, a self-possessed, intelligent woman should always be well dressed. Accessorize!

-Stevie Burns