Blindess and Hairy Palms
What I wouldn't give for some good magnifying glasses and a pair of tweezers.

Gary Trudeau's Doonesbury is censored, in fact banned by 19 newspapers because the word 'masturbation' is thought to be pornographic. No, I'm not making this up. Editors who pulled the offensive strip September 7th (last weekend) actually used the term pornographic to describe the comic. If you happen to live in one of the states where the editor of the local newspaper is a sad uptight stress-magnet who hasn't had an orgasm since he was 19, you can cure your curiosity by visiting the Doonesbury website. If you're one of the many wankers in the world, you'll also find yourself wondering what all the guff is about. It is so totally non-offensive and boring even, you'll really sit there for a moment and wonder what's wrong with these editors who got all nervous and pulled the strip.

Their argument is that children should not be subjected to material that mentions the word masturbation, and especially and certainly not in the Sunday comics section of the newspaper! My goodness. Let's just set aside the obvious point: that masturbation is healthy and normal and if kids weren't so filled with angst and fear and guilt and instead encouraged to explore their bodies they wouldn't grow up to be paranoid unhappy workaholics who frequent the various venues for psychoanalysis and/or sex for money because they are too afraid to have an orgasm without guilt.

All that obvious stuff aside, what these editors apparently fail to realize is that most of the people who read the comics are in fact adult men and that if kids read any of them, Doonesbury is certainly not one of the few. Doonesbury, as I recall, was always the weird and boring comic that was never remotely funny and actually didn't ever make any kind of sense at all to me. Now that I'm older, I still don't find it funny. But HEY! A study shows that self-love prevents cologne cancer. Not much of a punch line, but that's no reason to censor it. In fact, the whole idea that two adults could feel uncomfortable discussing masturbation is actually the whole point of the strip - and how ironic then that it has been censored by an adult editor who caters to an adult readership.

But if you think this fear of self-love, wanking, jerking off, and touching yourself is a small thing, think again. The history of fear and guilt regarding this lovely exercise is far reaching. Down There Press has recently published a new book, The Big Book of Masturbation: From Angst to Zeal by Martha Cornog.

In her book, Cornog outlines the history of masturbation from around the globe, including an extensive glossary of masturbation slang and insults. Her book is so enormous it could probably kill you on impact if it ever toppled off a shelf. Californians and others living on a fault line: use this thing as a table. It's that big.

Masturbation devices are illegal in many states in the US. Did you know that? Those who seem to think this a great thing also believe that medical science has repeatedly proven chronic masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness. Unfortunately, ultra respectable scientists fabricated and published many of the myths about masturbation, along with 'proven, irrefutable evidence'.

Not surprisingly, dildos are illegal in President Bush's home state Texas. According to Austin Chronicle reporter Erica C. Barnett, the police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law. And like any intelligent woman would do, Barnett points-out the irony that a state where guns are legal and plentiful has outlawed vibrators and dildos. Ahem. Do I really need to blatantly point-out the correlation between toting a big gun and disallowing a dildo? I don't think so. Some points are just too darn easy.

In the UK, the British Conservative Catholics are the really ultra-scary group of non-wankers who consider masturbation the absolute height of sinfulness. They have a shop that provides such anti-masturbation items as penis guards and chastity belts. For real. There are all sorts of uncomfortable and even painful gadgets from which to choose, items a few people into S/M would probably really dig. If you're one such pervy type, do your shopping here.

Thankfully, there is a collection of voices that have come forth, removed the gloves that hide their hairy palms, and stated that being a lover of ones self isn't so bad. In fact, it's rather fantastic and fun and HECK! Why not save the world by rubbing myself incoherent.

If you haven't heard about Masturbate for Peace yet, then you are seriously out of the loop. Check out their site immediately. They invite submissions from political types that really mean it when they say 'make love not war or at least self-love anyway' to explain via petition "how you plan to masturbate for peace." And the editors proudly announce (as they should) that thus far over 16,000 petitions have been received from over 91 countries, including the US.

If you are uncertain how to organize a masturbation event for peace or for any reason whatsoever, visit Let's Masturbate!, where they offer sage advice about hosting a masturbation party, with a little salt and pepper too.

If you are at a loss for words and would like to find a pseudonym for masturbation, check-out the synonym searchtool developed by World Wide Wank.

Websites that promote fun orgasmic self-exploration and have done a lot of work to bring the masses information that is accurate and enlightened and uplifting and non-suppressive:

• Abby's Sexual Health (for women)
• Jackin World (for men)
  If you'd like other resources from which to choose, there are many. A search on Yahoo! yields no less than 5,470,000 websites for the much discussed, sometimes censored, forever exercised and practiced to exhaustion: MASTURBATION.

Touch yourself! Even if your palms get hairy, there's always Nads.

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